Bereavement FAQs

Guidelines for Helping Children
Who Have Experienced the Death of a Loved One

1. Do take the word “death” off the taboo list. Allow it to become a concept that can be discussed openly in the home, the school, the church, and the synagogue. The question is not whether children should receive death education, but whether the education they are receiving is helpful and reliable. Understanding is a life-long process that continues from childhood through old age. Death education begins when life begins.


2. Do understand that mourning and sadness are appropriate for people of all ages. Children are people. Grief now walks by their side. Numbness, denial, anger, panic, and physical illness are variations on their theme of pain. These are the normal, slow, winding avenues of sorrow and loss.


3. Do allow them to release their emotions. Let them call their feelings by the rightful names. “I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt.” If they wish, they can scream it out. Or put their thoughts into words – in the form of a poem or story. Or a song or painting. It is not the expression of these legitimate emotions that is harmful, but their suppression.


4. Do contact your child’s school and inform them of the loss in the family; otherwise teachers might not understand any change in your youngster’s grades or sudden sullenness or regressive behavior. When sensitive teachers share a problem with a child, they both establish a bond and help to relieve a burden.


5. Do seek help if you feel unable to deal with your children during this crisis. There are times when even the best-informed and well-intention adult is simply inadequate. Seeking further counsel from a clergy-person, child-guidance clinic, or therapist, is not an admission of weakness but a demonstration of love and support. Sorrow leaves and imprint on the healthiest of personalities.



6. Do not tell a child that he or she is now the man or woman of the house, or a replacement for a dead sibling. Never say, “You remind me so much of . . .” Do not treat a child as a substitute adult or surrogate relative, or as a friend . . . lover . . . companion . . . confidante. It is difficult enough for youngsters to lose a loved one. Do not deprive them of their childhood.


7. Do not use stories and fairy tales as an explanation for the mystery of death. Never cover up the facts with a fiction or a confusing interpretation that you will someday have to repudiate. For example, to say “Your father has gone away on a long journey” is to give the impression that he may someday return. If you say, “God took your young mother because the Lord needs good people” you risk creating more confusion: good people do die young, but so do “bad” people. Children develop a deep resentment against a God who has capriciously robbed them of a mother whom they needed. Unhealthy explanations can create fear, doubt, and built, and encourage flights of fancy that are far more bizarre than reality. A child’s greatest need is for trust and truth.


8. Do not let your children believe that you have all the final answers. Leave room for their doubts, questions, and differences of opinion. Adults demonstrate their maturity when they say: “Are you surprised that I don’t know everything about death? Don’t be. That’s why we need to talk together. Let’s help each other.” Respect their individuality, for in the long run they must find their own answers to the problems of life and death.


9. Do not be afraid to express your own emotions of grief. If you repress your feelings, your children will be more likely to hold their own emotions at bay. Children receive permission to mourn from adults. A child can stand tears, but not treachery; sorrow, but not deceit. To be able to show grief openly and to mourn without fear or embarrassment can help both children and parents to accept the naturalness and pain of death.


10. Do not forget to continue to give assurance of love and support. The greatest gift that parents can give a child is themselves. Their caring and concern over the next months and years will be of inestimable value in aiding recovery. Be willing to listen for minutes, hours, days. Youngsters need to talk, not just be talked to.

Try to recall the wonderfully happy times shared together, not just the sad moment of death. Youngsters should be reminded that the loss of one important relationship does not necessarily mean the loss of others – including the one with you.

When words fail, touch! Attitude can be more important than words. Physical demonstrations of love and support are the greatest gifts to a grieving child. As you walk the long and difficult path of separation, you can find with your children new dimensions in their capacity for love, caring, and understanding. In truth, for people of all ages, healing is a process, recovery is a choice!

Copyright © Rabbi Earl Grollman, in Living with Grief: When Illness is Prolonged, 1997. Hospice Foundation of America. Used with permission.